Mum&Baby

Adele Koolen on adopting her son

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Lifestyle blogger, physiotherapist and social media manager Adele Koolen (43) and her husband of 15 years, Johan, welcomed Desmond into their family in 2020 and the adoption was officially completed in 2021.

Desmond has won the hearts of many people on TikTok with his cheerful personality and his passion for the performing arts. Goodwill Thomo chatted to Adele.

How did you cope with the challenges of infertility?

The issue lies with me; I can’t have children due to a chromosomal condition and an autoimmune disease that makes conception difficult. We explored various options, from donor eggs to surrogacy, but none of them worked. It is a sensitive topic that many people shy away from because of the shame surrounding it. As a woman, you feel like it’s a logical thing that you should be able to conceive.

I won’t lie, it was challenging for me to come to terms with this reality. I had to realise that there was nothing inherently wrong with me. Once we had made peace with that, we began the foster-to-adopt process for Desmond.

We chose the adoption route after facing fertility challenges after trying for seven years without success. While we initially hoped to conceive naturally, thankfully we ended up with the perfect family.

What difficulties did you face during the adoption process?

The adoption process can be very tedious and is not easy at all. There are many hoops to jump through and rightfully so—these children have already faced enough hardship and deserve a stable home. It can be exceptionally frustrating with all the details that need to be addressed.

We approached the process with a clear understanding that it would not happen overnight. There are systems and reasons behind the procedures in place. I found that treating people in authority kindly made a significant difference. Being polite and respectful, even when frustrated, helped us navigate the process smoothly.

When people ask how long it takes, I often say, “How long is a piece of string?” One person’s journey might take six weeks, while another could take six years. There is no real timeline. Understanding this can make a significant difference in perspective.

What else can you share about adoption?

Adoption is a beautiful journey, and I dislike it when people say, “You saved him.” He saved us. He’s our biggest blessing. Desmond knows about his birth mother; I’ve explained that she loved him but couldn’t care for him and wanted to find a family that could.

Some people question this truth, but I believe it’s important to frame it positively. Why tell a child that their birth mother abandoned them? So that you can look like a saviour? Instead, we emphasise that he was always loved and wanted. Some truths are worth bending, at the end of the day it helps the child grow up feeling cherished and to not have abandonment issues.

We talk about his biological mom often. While I don’t know much about her, we acknowledge that she wanted the best for him but was too young to care for him. At no point has he felt unwanted, which is all I can ask for. He’s a happy kid, and full of life. His social media presence reflects who he truly is—always singing, dancing, and chatting. He has an infectious personality and is a genuinely kind boy.

What advice can you offer to families considering adopting?

It’s important to do your research and talk to people who have gone through the adoption process. Approach it with an open mind, and don’t let the administrative aspects deter you; it can be quite admin-intensive, but it’s manageable.

Don’t shy away from adopting due to concerns about how society or your family will react. When we decided to adopt a black child, we made it clear to our families: this is what we’re doing, and you’re either with us or not. Thankfully, our families are absolutely obsessed with him, and those who don’t accept our choice don’t need to be in our lives.

I get frustrated when people say they “don’t see colour.” We do see it, and we are proud of our differences. I remind him every day to embrace who he is. Saying you don’t see colour is like saying he’s invisible, and it can be quite dismissive.

What is the most fulfilling aspect of parenting for you?

Honestly, the most rewarding part for me is simply being able to hear someone call me “Mom.” For so many years, I never thought that would be a possibility.

Watching Desmond thrive, achieve, and even face challenges is incredibly fulfilling. Being there for him through it all—whether he succeeds or fails—has been such a meaningful experience. And of course, the cuddles are the best! From that perspective, being a parent is truly my greatest joy.

It’s a learning curve, and there are hard days and good days, but that is with any child, not just an adopted child.

How do you make sure that Desmond stays true to his roots?

It’s important for him to learn an African language, not only to connect with his peers but also to honour his heritage. While most of his friends at school may not speak it, I want him to at least be able to greet people respectfully.

How do you handle tough conversations with him?

We answer honestly but only share age-appropriate information. Conversations with a five-year-old differ from those who are 15 years old, and I share what he’s ready to understand.

Parenting is hard enough without outside opinions. Everyone thinks they can parent your child better than you can, and it’s easy to feel judged. My husband and I don’t have a strict bedtime or rigid rules. We’re firm about screen time—no gaming during the week—but if he wants a chocolate for breakfast, I’ll let him have it as long as he eats something.

I’m strict about manners—greeting people, making eye contact—but I don’t sweat the small stuff. When we’re at the store and he asks for snacks, I don’t stress over it. I focus on what matters most, like ensuring he’s not exposed to inappropriate content.

It’s important to stop being hard on others—and yourself. Life is tough enough, so just do your best. If you wake up questioning whether you’re a good parent, that’s a sign you care, and caring makes you a good parent.

To all the moms out there, let go of the guilt and stop comparing yourself to others. Remember, that perfectly curated photo probably took 20 tries to capture, and there was likely chaos behind the scenes. Focus on your own journey rather than measuring yourself against someone else’s.

How do you create a strong bond with your child?

We have a very honest and open relationship with Desmond. We’ve always told him that he can come to us about anything. We emphasise that he should never lie to us.

One thing I can confidently say is that he is exceptionally honest. He has a clear understanding of right and wrong—there’s no grey area for him. If he does something wrong, he owns up to it, and that’s how we live our lives together. He knows he can tell me anything, regardless of whether he is right or wrong.

I always listen without shouting. I’ll discuss what he could have done differently and reassure him that both his dad and I have his back. We’ll fight for him, but he also needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Recently, when he did not win medals in three events, he reflected, “I didn’t medal because I made these mistakes.” He understands the reasons behind his performance. I reassured him that if he gives his best effort, that’s what truly matters. He knows he doesn’t need to win every time, but he should always give 120% in everything he does—whether it’s running a fun run, completing homework, or performing in a drama.

Desmond recognises his God-given talents and understands that the way to show gratitude for those gifts is through hard work. Every night, he expresses his gratitude, thanking us for his family and the opportunities he has. He truly is an old soul, and I often joke that he must have lived before, as he exhibits an extraordinary level of maturity for his eight years.

What is your favourite memory for Desmond?

I think my favourite memory of him is probably the day that we fetched him from the place of safety. He just put his arms around my neck, and then he put his hands on my cheeks, and he just looked at me, went, “hello”, and that is that will forever be the best and most amazing memory. And his laugh.

Your family has built a huge following online. How did you go viral?

I participated in Mrs. South Africa in 2018, so I’ve always had a presence on social media. When we adopted Desmond, I was all in from the start. Whether he’s my adoptive child, my own child, or a foster child, I was clear from the beginning that I wanted to showcase him because I’m proud of him, and he’s part of my family.

I know some people say, “You shouldn’t show your child; don’t put them out there.” But I believe in doing what feels right for us. Desmond is an exceptionally cute kid!

Naturally, we started receiving toys and gifts, and he has a natural talent for entertaining and engaging with others. This led us to explore the influencer side of things. I enrolled him in drama, acting, and vocal lessons because I recognised his talent.

Last year, just a week before the South African Championships (Desmond won 27 medals and two overall awards), he performed at school. I decided to post a video of him singing “I Feel Good” and it went viral. That video has now reached around 16 million views and has been shared by celebrities like Will Smith, Wayne Brady, and James Brown’s daughter and was even featured on Good Morning America. It’s been a global phenomenon.

Our life is not curated. My life is messy. It is not perfect. And I’m not going to put it out there as if it is. I’m not going to put it out there when things are going exceptionally terrible, because I also don’t think there’s enough negativity, so we try not to spread that sort of thing

Please offer advice to parents whose children are interested in the performing arts?

I firmly believe in supporting your child’s talents. If you see they have a gift, do everything you can to help them pursue it. In our house, we have a “one-term rule”: if he signs up for a new sport or activity, he must commit to it for one term before deciding to leave.

This gives him a chance to try it out for three months. However, we don’t allow him to constantly chop and change activities. With that being said, it’s important not to force your child into something just because it’s a dream of yours, like acting. They should pursue what genuinely interests them.

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